It’s been a few months since my last post (I’m not proving to be particularly consistent at posting am I). I think when I wrote it, because it was such a ‘bare your soul’ post, I found myself overwhelmed especially by the response and didn’t really know what to do or say next. I guess with such an emotive subject, and the fact that the rollercoaster continues, I have honestly just found myself retreating and letting my mind tick over while I ponder ‘what next’
It’s enough to just pick yourself up after a big life changing event and in the sudden aftermath it really is just about surviving but as the dust begins to settle, the ‘well what do I do now’ questions beginning to pervade every waking moment – then from stasis comes movement though it’s tinged with a sense of uncertainty and in trepidation along with the constant pondering on ‘what on earth am I going to do with my life’.
As it turns out, much of this new ‘life’ just kind of happens but obviously things are different, you’re different whether you like it or not so, for me, that meant spending a lot of time getting to know me again and with that inevitably comes change both big and small.
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt, which shouldn’t be such a surprise because we hear it all the time yet perhaps never fully take in (well I didn’t anyway), is that you just don’t know what life will throw at you. And, what goes hand in hand with that is that life really can take a different turn to that which you’d planned. I certainly never thought I would find myself where I have so as a result I have really been embracing a ‘what the heck’ attitude, I have learnt to loosen up and go with the flow, consider different avenues and am more open to things that I perhaps wouldn’t have been before. Yet I also realise that these are all traits I once possesed but lost somewhere along the way so I kind of feel much more like an ‘old me’ from many years ago.
And so, I find myself at the beginning of the next chapter now. It’s no less crazy than the ending of the last one. I have a complex shituation (shit + situation = shituation, its my new favourite noun, with an adjectivey twist – use it, it feels great) that is likely to rumble on for a while – the D bomb, deciding what happens to assets, fighting over knives and forks – that kind of thing. The taking apart a life and home I so carefully put together – crafted to last. Yet at the same time, I find myself peering over those first few pages with a sense of nervous excitement, a new life blossoming and brimming with an ‘anything is possible’ vibe that’s nudging me to take baby steps to do something different.
I think that this blog, for the time being at least, is likely to reflect exactly the above – the tying up of loose ends, moving from the old to the new. I want to share my experiences, it’s part of who I am and to ignore it would be to ignore a fundamental part of me yet at the same time I want also want to focus on what I’m doing now and all the things that interest me and I think that’s ok, there’s no formula no plan other than to write from the heart, as I see and feel it. I hope that my posts whether it’s the complexities (and craziness) of separation and divorce and all that goes with it or painting furniture or something ‘fluffy’ provides interest and resonates with someone. I think I said it in my bio or intro, that this blog was always likely to have a bit of ‘kitchen drawer’ about it and so there you have it. Now back to ‘what next’ 🙂
Sweater and pin from the wonderful www.muthahoodgoods.com
Jacket from www.allsaints.com