Its a new day

When I started writing this blog, I didn’t expect to take an extended break so soon. The very reason I started it became the same reason that made me stop. When I ended up at my rock bottom a year ago I needed an outlet, something to focus on and so setting up this blog and turning my attention to doing up my home and sharing it on Instagram became the thing I needed to distract me from the reality of my life. Hiding behind pretty pictures on Instagram is relatively easy but as I started to write for here, I quickly realised that to be able to do so freely, I had to be able to be open about me, my life and give context to what I was saying but I just wasn’t ready to do that. And so I stopped.

 

A problem shared is a problem halved or so they say. I am incredibly private in some sense but I also like to talk. A lot. Too much sometimes. I know that what has helped me beyond measure is learning from others who have been through their own ‘tough stuff’ finding common ground and chatting with people who have been there or get it. There’s tonnes I simply can’t share but I feel more ready to be open about my life now. I know that people are interested in people and I am asked a lot of questions about me through the conversations on Instagram and my ‘virtual’ life and by the same token people make massive assumptions about how great my life must be based on those pretty little squares yet I have always felt like a bit of a fraud concealing a truth that I actually feel ashamed about when I really shouldn’t.

A year ago my life was very different. Married, happy, just renovated a beautiful house, a ‘poster couple’ to our friends and families. We were excited as we had just started IVF after years of unexplained infertility which was tough but hadn’t impacted us really. I was nervous but persuaded to give it a shot. On the face of it we had our shit together or so it seemed. Maybe I was as fooled as everyone else was. Perhaps I invested in the fairy-tale like everyone else did desperate to keep my shiny life well, shiny. Underneath the smiles there was obviously much more going on, stressful careers, changes at work, I’d had my fair share of upset that year I lost my Nana after a long battle with dementia, my Dad being diagnosed with Cancer, my sister facing emergency surgery and regular ordinary life stress and then came Armageddon. Reading Festival weekend, the discovery of my husbands affair and the beginning of a nightmare from which I didn’t think I would ever wake.

I’m all too aware that ‘relationships breakdown all the time’ (a line that strangers often like to say to me) mine didn’t breakdown though, it had a wrecking ball taken to it. Maybe it doesn’t seem like a big deal to many? The ‘1 in 4’ marriages end statistic has desensitised society in to it just being the ‘norm’ but it wasn’t normal for me. And unfortunately, my situation had all the hallmarks of a Jeremy Kyle episode and then some.

 

It’s a strange thing witnessing someone you knew and loved turn into a total stranger. When the one person who shouldn’t hurt you does. When the one that ordinarily you would run to for support and comfort is the one that caused the need to. I spent weeks in utter bewilderment, shocked beyond comprehension of how someone can change so suddenly. I couldn’t understand how that at the beginning of that last week we were sat in our IVF clinic nervously laughing and joking with the nurses while they teased my husband about making sure I ate something so I wouldn’t faint in the August heat having just had 12 vials of blood taken and yet by the end of it my life was left in tatters when I accidentally discovered the affair that he had started with his new assistant. I spent hours and hours scrolling through our text conversations trying to spot a problem. What had I missed? was I deluded? Yet all I found was our normal, happy banter, the good stuff, the message after message of encouragement to do the IVF, the messages of love, of a future being planned. So what the f***k happened? To this day I don’t really know, maybe I never will. Its confused me and pretty much everyone that knew us. But it is what it is. And on the 31st August 2016 my life as I knew it was over.

There’s so much I could say about it all, about him, about her, about what happened next and what they put me through. In many ways I wanted to so that people would get the measure of crazy involved but I feel less like I need to now. Maybe I care less. I can see the situation for what it is and them for what they are. They know what they did, and I am thankful I don’t have to live with that cloud of guilt and shame hanging over my head.

Instagram is full of Insta families with Instahusbands portraying perfect set-ups. I get as sucked into the comparison trap as the next person. And I have given myself the hardest time about it because on some level I felt like I had failed. The more and more that I have engaged and connected on Instagram, the more and more I felt like I was hiding my car crash life behind my own pretty grid. Yet so many of my favourite accounts that do the creative, pretty thing so well, also tell it like it is, they have their flaws, they have their troubles and their issues and I love them all the more for it. For a perfectionist, learning to be a little more ‘imperfect’ has been a hugely valuable lesson.

 

I know now I have nothing to be ashamed of. I can hand on heart say I have done nothing wrong in this last year. And I didn’t cause this. I gave my all to my relationship. While many would have reacted with the full venom of ‘a woman scorned’ I have turned away, kept my head down, ploughed my energy into something creative and dealt with unsurmountable grief at times trying to heal from a life I had lost. I’ve hit rock bottom. I can honestly say there were moments I didn’t want to wake up. Yet with the passage of time, sheer determination and the discovery of strength I didn’t know I had, somehow, a year on, on the dawn of the anniversary of ‘d day’ I find myself ok. More than ok.

So many people said to me that the most horrible, challenging and difficult situations can be the ones that transform you, that change you for the better and make you happier in the long run. I never believed them at first but I can now say that for me at least this has been true. I feel free, like I have been handed my life back albeit a different one. Yes some of my dreams may have been shattered but I have new ones. I’m eager as to what’s out there, what things there are to discover, what opportunities might arise. I never planned for this, I never wanted what’s happened and it’s been incredibly hard and probably still will be at times as the nonsense continues because these things are so complicated. But, at the same, time I have learnt so much, grown so much and I’m happy – happy with me. It’s like finding an old friend in myself and getting to know them all over again. Now I smile, I laugh (a lot) and its real, it’s not pretend. And the magic is that people see it.

 

I don’t know if this post resonates with anyone, whether what I go on to write about it all will help someone in some way. I know hearing from others helped me, I’ve made friends through it. And I am more than happy to share, to talk so please do message me – you know what they say, if it helps just one person then it was worth it…

 

Katy x

26 Comments

  1. Sarah 24th August 2017 / 3:18 pm

    Thank you for sharing you story. It really is tough riding out the bumps life throws you – but you have clearly come through the toughest of times wiser and stronger, with compassion and ultimately a greater sense of who you are and what you want from life. And so important to hear how all is not as it seems when it comes to social media etc… It takes great strength to be able to share your inner most feelings and I love that you did. We’re listening. Always here. Xxx

    • katyebh 24th August 2017 / 3:56 pm

      Thank you Sarah 🙂

  2. Helen (The Little Lavender Room) 24th August 2017 / 4:43 pm

    Wow. Well done for managing to get your feelings of devastation, loss and betrayal across without sounding embittered or venomous. That takes strength, dignity and amazing self control.

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. My situation was different in that I was married to a narcissist for 12 years and left him six years ago. His behavior after that (which I alluded to when I commented on your post) may, one day, end up in my own blog but I have to be sure that I am fully over it in order to write objectively and calmly the way you have done. For now, my 16 year old needs all my energy.

    Thank you for sharing this little piece of your life with us. Hopefully you will feel supported and comforted by your followers as you continue to go through the healing process.

    Take care & much love,
    Hxx

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:32 am

      that sounds like a very tough situation. And one that you’re much better off out of.

      I’m not sure once you’ve had serious trauma you ever fully get over it you just learn to live with it or work around it. There is a lot that I simply can’t write about that has made my situation 100 times worse. It almost makes the story unbelievable and there are the parts that still haunt me. But as time goes on it affects me less and less and actually has the opposite effect – it makes me feel incredibly grateful that I’m free!

      I am so pleased and overwhelmed that people have reached out and shared their own stories publicly and privately. This is what we all need – to talk! To share! It’s undoubtedly the thing that helped me the most. Maybe one day you’ll feel ready to blog about it you’ll know if and when that time arrives line I did. I sat on the idea of posting for months and then it just suddenly felt right.

      Thank you for reaching out and messaging and commenting Xxx

  3. Emily 24th August 2017 / 5:43 pm

    So much respect for you ❤️

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:25 am

      Thank you x

  4. Hayley 24th August 2017 / 7:20 pm

    Hi Katy. I feel compelled to reply to your blog post. Nearly a year ago I married the man of my dreams, my partner of 10 years and I couldnt have been happier. We had a few bumps along the way, mum being diagnosed with cancer and also struggling with conceiving naturally. 7 months after our marriage my husband texts me to say that he’s not coming home tonight and that he needs some time away to get his head together. That was the last day that he was home. He has since moved out of the county and wants a divorce. I, like you have been at rock bottom, also not wanting to wake up to this mess of a life. My whole future as I had planned it was ruined and I didn’t see any of it coming at all. He was my soul mate and my best friend. I am now starting to accept things and have realised that only I can make myself happy and I am in control of my future and what it holds. I have had no explanation at all, I’m 3 months into it now, I still have our first wedding anniversary to deal with too. It’s just so heartbreaking. I wish you all the best and look forward to reading your future blog and instagram posts. Hayley xxx

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:21 am

      Oh Hayley I’m so sorry

      I promise it will get better. I thought my H was my soul mate and was fiercely defensive if anyone said otherwise. I believed we were meant to be and all the rest of it. But, there are many people out there and many ways to be happy. Trust that this is part of your journey and what might feel like the end of the story is really just the end of a chapter. We don’t choose some of the hard aspects of our life but we can choose how we deal with them. Learn to love you again. Focus on you and just trust 100% that you will be ok because you will.

      It’s annoying but time really is the thing that helps you move on. All the firsts are really hard but I tried to make them a positive, maybe do something for me instead. There’s no time limit on healing so one day at a time I even started off just trying to get through hours. But it will get easier.

      I will write more posts about it all I hope that they help but please mail me if you want it need to chat – you got this xxx

  5. Joey 24th August 2017 / 8:36 pm

    Wow Katy – you are a very brave lady and my full admiration goes out to you for all those blows you have had to deal with in the last year. I follow you on IG and love seeing your photos of your achievements around your lovely house as well as your experiences with your super Pug. I am also very aware of how ” plastic” those little squares can be that many on IG put out there, on the whole, hiding the reality of everyday human lives and experiences. A quote which I very much like (from Winnie the Pooh) to share with you:
    You are braver than you believe
    Stronger than you seem
    Smarter than you think
    & loved more than you know

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:14 am

      Ah thank you

      Instagram has been a life saver for me – something I could focus on and it’s led to lots of lovely things like virtual friendships and opportunities.

      And thank you for sharing that quote – love Winnie the Pooh ❤️

      Xxx

  6. Ali 24th August 2017 / 10:15 pm

    Hi this is a very special blog
    Post. I joined Instagram to keep my mind from the heartache, humiliation and total destroy my ex husband served on me. He was a police officer when I met him, trusted and felt safe – he was then arrested and went to prison for fraud – it hit all the local papers and I couldn’t leave my home, with the humiliation and embarrassment he’d brought to my name. But with friends family etc I slowly build my life … so you have made my day reading this that other people do experience life changing events.
    I’m
    So much freer happier and back to my happy Emily old person … he was controlling and I was often verbally abused by him. Thanks for your honesty … ps first time I’ve ever managed to write this down …. I keep it secret … I’ve never been able to speak about it …. thankyou x

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:12 am

      Oh wow I’m so sorry to hear what you went through

      I k ow exactly how you feel with regards to feeling embarrassed and ashamed but it really isn’t like that – people have been so supportive.

      It really does help to talk, to hear that others have been through similar things and to learn how others have coped. And I totally get the feeling like yourself again. I know I lost so much of myself and that actually I had been unhappy for years I just didn’t know why really. That’s why hibdsight is so valuable and time passing is the only way to really gain perspective.

      You sound strong which is fantastic!

      K xx

  7. Nicola 24th August 2017 / 11:30 pm

    Good on you for sharing your story! It’s so brave. You will definitely be helping someone out there to feel hopeful and they will find strength from your words.

    A very similar thing happened to me and it felt like the horrendousness of it would never end. I felt like I would live in that state of upset, anxiety and depression forever. I had so many friends give me so much advice and it was always well intentioned but it rarely made a dint on my misery.

    One day a friend did say something to me that resonated and gave me hope. I reflect on it often now. She said, “Everything is ALWAYS ok in the end. So if it doesn’t feel ok yet, it’s because it’s not the end”. A year later it started to feel ok and then shortly after that, I met my now husband.

    I thank my lucky stars that he did what he did to me, and that I didn’t waste another minute with him. You will be the same, and I know that because… everything is always ok in the end!! 🙂 much love xx

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 8:08 am

      I love that quote – my Dad said it to me and it’s really stuck with me too!

      I’m so sorry you’ve been through something similar but sounds like you had your happy ending which is fantastic

      Thank you x

  8. Emma 25th August 2017 / 9:04 am

    This post is unbelievably brace of you Katy and so we’ll written. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but am glad to read you’re finding your happy again xx

    • Emma 25th August 2017 / 9:06 am

      My god autocorrect has made a mess of that comment! Hope you can make sense of it haha x

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 7:53 am

      Thank you Emma, and yes how annoying is autocorrect!!! X

  9. Kim Hay 25th August 2017 / 2:55 pm

    Katy, your honesty is refreshing and Im sure so many others will be blessed by your words!!!.. Its in the valleys of life where we truly find our strength! Dont let the past define your future and dont let fear hold you back from grabbing what life has for you! … xx

    • katyebh 26th August 2017 / 7:52 am

      Thank you Kim very wise words x

  10. Debbie 26th August 2017 / 9:46 am

    Hi Katy,
    I read this blog a couple of days ago and I was thinking about it last night. I just feel the need to tell you that this blog post tells us how strong your character is and you have a lot of dignity, I can feel from the post your determination to rise above and not let what happened define the rest of your life. As someone who has been on that ivf journey I cannot begin to imagine how betrayed you felt for both your marriage and future.
    I wish you lots of love and happiness .

    • katyebh 4th September 2017 / 5:08 pm

      Hi Debbie,

      Thank you so much for your message 🙂 Truly grateful for the support I have received.

      Yes the betrayal still upsets me to this day and frankly the behaviour since leaves me speechless. But I get stronger for it. I was determined from day one that I would rise above it and go with what ever path is carved out for me. It might not have been the one I planned but there are lots of different ways to be happy 🙂

      IVF is tough I have the upmost compassion and respect for anyone that goes this route. Its such an emotive subject yet one I feel isn’t spoken about openly. I only just started the journey so unfortunately don’t really have end to end experience I can share but I completely understand the emotional aspect and the associated feelings with ending up going that route in the first place. I only hope more people share their experiences because it really does help.

      K xx

  11. Jill Cooper 1st September 2017 / 8:05 am

    Hi Katy,

    It just goes to show that no-one has a clue what goes on behind those gorgeous squares. You are such a brave and inspirational woman for posting such an honest account of your feelings. It will undoubtedly help others. You should be very proud. You got this lady Xxx

    • katyebh 4th September 2017 / 5:03 pm

      Hi Jill,

      Thank you for your lovely comment. I really hope it does help others, I’m more than happy to chat to anyone who feels like they need a bit of support, I genuinely wouldn’t haven’t managed if it wasn’t for others sharing their stories with me or giving me advice.

      xx

  12. Sally 1st September 2017 / 1:24 pm

    Sending To you Katy, beautifully written piece, very brave of you to be so honest. The future is out there and it’s bright

  13. Clare 4th September 2017 / 7:22 pm

    You are so strong Katy and your writing is beautiful – sending you lots of love ❤️ Clare xx

    • katyebh 7th September 2017 / 11:10 am

      Thank you Clare thats very sweet of you 🙂

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